Is this my fate - to live my life in this state?

"Sweet Lord is this my fate -
To live my life in this state?
Lord I know time goes slow
I feel so alone, Sweet Lord."
~ Feel So Sad, J. Spaceman

I haven't gotten up from the couch since Sunday. I haven't showered since Saturday. I'm sleeping 18-20 hours a day, either on the couch, or in bed. I haven't been this 'way' in a long, long time. I'm wondering if it's the change in meds. I just tapered off 150mg of Effexor and started 60mg Cymbalta. My last dose of Effexor was over the weekend. Maybe my brain is still adjusting? I don't know. I just don't feel right. This winter has been especially bad for me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm unemployed and have too much time on my hands to think. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I'm just tired. Mentally. I can't think straight. I need to get out of the house is what I need to do, but I just don't have the energy or motivation to do so. I guess one bright spot in all this is that I'm not thinking of hurting myself, which has always gone hand in hand with these severe depressive episodes. I do feel alone. I do feel like this will never end. I do feel like my life is just passing me by. I may have to do something drastic to take my life back.

First, I can't shut out the people that love and care about me, which is what I've been doing. It's just hard to talk about because people have their own problems to deal with, and to those who don't have 'experience' with depression or anything like that, I'm afraid they just don't understand.

Let's take my Father for instance. On Saturday, he just came up to me and said, 'What ever it is that has been bothering you, just get over it!' I said, 'Get over it, Dad?' He said, 'Yes, Joe. Get over it. Everyone else can, why can't you?' That's an instance of someone not understanding. I can explain to him till I'm blue in the face why I am the way I am, and he still wouldn't get it. Don't you think if I could just 'get over it' I would? Shit, I would love to just get over it. That would be the best option I ever had. Why didn't I think of that sooner? My dad is brilliant!

Anyway, I'm going to smoke a cigarette or two, then it's back to the couch to watch Forensic Files, or whatever the hell else is on.