even madonna knows

"Borderline, feels like I'm going to lose my mind."
~ Madonna

The Flaming Lips covering Madonna's Borderline

What saves a man is to take a step

"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown."
~ Author unknown

I finally did something positive today, instead of looking backward that is. I took a step forward and registered for a class at a school in the city for Electronic Music Production. I've been playing music for most of my life - guitar, mostly - and I figure since I'm no really spending my time productively lately, that I should do something about that. I'm always interested in anything to with music. It's a part-time evenings course (6 hours /week) so it shouldn't be too intensive for me. It'll basically give me a taste of what it takes to create and record electronic music, which to me, is the logical next step in my own music-making. I would like to incorporate it into my own recordings, but more importantly, it will get my brain going, doing something creative and positive. I may meet new people with like interests, which is always a positive.

It's a first step of many steps I need to take. I'm sure there will be times where I will be discouraged, overwhelmed and at times, will want to quit, but that's just who I am, that's who I'll always be.

Anyway, thus ends a rare daylight entry.

Hey you, out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?

"And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."
~ Roger Waters, Outside The Wall (Pink Floyd: The Wall)

Again, it's been a while. Not much has changed. At least in terms of how I feel on a day to day basis. When I last posted, I made an emergency visit to both my psychologist and psychiatrist. I was near a breaking point, and honestly, I didn't know which way I go. What path would I choose? Life, or death? It seems so easy for me to put it in terms so simply as that. One way, or the other. But, those words are the most opposite ends of the spectrum as you can get. But, with me, it's like I make it a decision I have to face everyday. Most 'normal' people make decisions like whether or not they should go to work that day, do their homework for school, make dinner or eat a frozen piece of crap meal, etc. Small things. Everyday things. The decision I face daily - the question I ask myself everyday is - do I want to live, or do I want to die today?

Admittedly, that is grounds for hospitalization. Immediately. It's scary to feel like that everyday, it really is. But, it's almost like I have no choice whether to feel that way. One could say, 'Oh Joe, everyone has a choice in how they feel everyday.' This is true. I do have a conscious choice to wake up everyday and feel however I want to feel. But this goes beyond that. It's a voice. It's that devil on my shoulder. It's the loneliness and longing and regret and the wanting to punish myself for the mistakes I've made in my life. That's the central idea here: I cannot escape thinking about my past, and that leads me to to regret, which leads to anger and sadness, which leads to 'live or die?' I don't think any amount of medication will make that go away. Nothing short of digging through my brain and extricating one bad memory after another. Do I have suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well? I don't know. But what I do know is that my behaviors and thought patterns that I described are some classic symptoms of PTSD. I have flashbacks. I'm scared of almost anything resembling a closeness or intimacy with another human being. I don't mean intimacy in a sexual or physical way. I mean emotionally.

I'm starting to figure out what upsets me so much, especially at night. I miss intimacy. Terribly. With a woman. I also miss the physical touch and that feeling of being wanted by a woman. It's not about sex. It's the touching, talking, depending on someone, them depending on me, someone saying they love me just the way I am and every other conceivable association dealing with intimacy. My friend asked me recently, 'Do you have a fear of intimacy?' I was kind of taken aback by the question, but thinking about it, I answered in the negative. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I think the thing I fear the most is not the intimacy and the emotional lovemaking that lovers do - it's the fear of losing it.

I don't think I'm alone in that, but that fear is a wrecking ball to all my relationships. I have no one to blame for that but myself. But what I have to start doing is stop beating myself up everyday, especially for things that have happened in the past. It's funny - yet sad at the same time - but, I almost beat myself up for things I might do in the future. I am a living, breathing bloodied bruise, and that is what is killing me.

One positive out of all this is that I recognize this behavior, and I understand the impact it has had on my life, and I know what I must do to sort of 'wean' myself off this destructive behavior. It's hard. It's terribly hard. I have to basically unlearn every mechanism of this behavior that I've probably been developing since childhood. I guess what I'm saying is, it's time to step up the therapy because honestly, I'm not getting all the help I need. Through no fault of their own, I just feel my therapist is not equipped to deal with such complex behaviors that I've exhibited throughout my life. I need to change my way of thinking. That is key. And talk therapy just isn't enough for me to do that. Don't get me wrong, I love going every week to talk. I need that. I wish I could do it more if I could afford it. But I need more guidance, more tools to equip me to better handle situations where my behaviors have betrayed and sabotage me.

On Monday, I am going to call a clinic that specializes in what's called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), and it is designed almost specifically for people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Medication will only get me so far. Talking will only get me so far. And at this moment, I feel as if I've hit a wall. I've hit rock bottom, but now I'm at a wall.

It's a wall with no light shining through and with no end. If I'm going to make it, I have to break through - brick by brick...

It's so hard to fight when you're losing

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
~ Author unknown

I won't lie. I'm struggling. Not a day goes by when I don't cry at least once. I just want to be numb. You know, I've heard the term 'rock bottom' thrown around, usually associated with addicts and alcoholics, but I never knew what my rock bottom would be. I don't think you'll ever know, until you actually hit it. I, Joseph Roth from New York, age 36, unemployed and struggling with an almost debilitating disorder - Borderline Personality - have finally hit rock bottom. Until I actually said those words out loud in therapy today, I never truly believed it could happen. But it has, and it started the other night, when I sat down at this very computer and began to compose an email to some of my closest friends.

I was ready to finally say goodbye.

It was hard to type throughthe tears, but I was hurting so much at that moment, that I thought this was the only way to end this pain. Next to me were two bottles of pills while I was writing. I kept glancing over at them, wondering when I should start eating them - now, or wait until I was finished with the email, because if I had taken them as I was writing, chances are I'd be gone by the time the email reached my friends. It was enticing, it was scary, but, I won that battle.

I don't know what happened, but suddenly this calm just washed over me. I actually started to think of all the people I would hurt if I was gone. I mean, here I am, writing an email recalling all the people I've hurt in my life and how it haunted me everyday, telling my friends I was going to end my own life. How much fucking hurt would that've done? That's the kind of hurt that doesn't heal. Some people never recover from losing a loved one to suicide. As this calm settled in, I thought of one friend in particular (who I won't reveal here) who said to me once, 'If you died, it would really fuck me up.' I couldn't do that to her. That is not the legacy I want to leave. I don't want to ruin lives. I don't want to die.

I changed the goodbye letter to a 'help me' letter - I opened myself up, let all my vulnerabilities and pain pour out all over the screen. I needed more help than I was getting and my only other option, other than death, was reaching out to my friends.

The responses I received were nothing short of overwhelming, and at times, stunning. They really do care about me. I'm not that guy who sits in the background, the quiet one who goes unnoticed - so quiet, he makes those around him uncomfortable. That's may how I see myself, but they don't. And that's what I needed to hear. I am loved. I am wanted. I am even, as one friend put it, missed. They miss the Joe who laughs and who is funny.

You know, I miss him, too. And I think he's going to stick around and just wait out this storm he got himself caught up in. Why am I speaking in the 3rd person? Anyway, today is DAY 1. It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be quick, but I'm going to fight this 'disease' or 'disorder' - whatever you want to call it - but the fight starts here, right now, and without excuses or blame to throw around.

For now, I'll just say this: I have hit rock bottom. This disorder came one email and two bottles of pills short of turning me into another statistic. It's a small victory, but here and now, in this moment, I feel - free.

Sometimes the things we save end up saving us

"We don't interpet things as they are. We interpret them as we are."
~ Author unknown

I wrote this poem in college. It was about a little boy enjoying the simplest pleasures of life, the truly important stuff. We could all take lessons from this 'fictional' subject of the piece. Well, I bring it here because the last line really caused quite a stir amongst my classmates because no one knew what to quite make of it. Read for yourself:

Pictures In A Photo Album
Running . . .
my brave young boy.
my sweet boy,
saver of small stones
and candy coated memories.
keeper of bent bottle caps
and metal scraps that shine
like gold in the summer sun.

Imagining . . .
my little-hearted son.
my golden son,
painter of apple rich trees
and fields lush enough for barefoot frolic.
dreamer of merry-go-rounds
and the warm sounds Mother
makes smelling roses redder than newborn skin.

Sleeping . . .
my tired child.
my everlasting child,
eyes brighter than all the suns,
skin soft as rainbows.
slip under comforting covers
and breathe easier now
for tomorrow your life will really unravel.

It's that last line that grabbed everyone's attention. And honestly, I don't know what meaning I was leaning towards when it came out. And sure, I've picked it apart to try and find some deep, dark meaning in it. But, I do think I wrote it for a good reason, and without it, the poem would fail to make the impact it did. But sometimes, and quite simply, I wrote it because it left a lot to the imagination. And because it sounded good.

But, I do know this. I was going through a very similar mental breakdown when I wrote this in 1994. Things were going well for me that year, I guess you could call it my 'breakout' year. I was experiencing life. But, little did I know that right around the corner, my life would take me in directions I never would've have dreamed of. And I'm not talking about fame, riches, babes and beaches.

My life slowly started to unravel at one particular moment, in one particular place and with one particular person. After that, it was one bad choice after another. Sometimes I refer back to this poem, and that last looming, almost prophetic line, and I wonder if I fulfilled my own destiny - just the way it said it I would.

Think about the word unravel. You see, some people thought it was a positive word - that tomorrow the child would wake, and all his dreams would come true if only he worked hard to attain those dreams. On the other hand, there were those that though unravel had a negative and forboding connotation. As if one day the child would wake and realize that life is just one struggle after another, full of life's tiny tragedies like death, loss, failure and self-destruction.

Well, that's what unravel meant to me at the time, and still means to me to this day. It means coming apart, seam by seam, until one day, you're just hanging on by that final thread and you are forced to face yourself, wondering if it is all worth it. You must make a decision: hang on and live, perhaps try one more go at life, or take the easy way out and let go of that thread - only to fall to your death.

Do we have complete control over the course of our lives? I do. I truly believe we do, but choices only take us so far. It's what we do once we reach there that will determine our true destiny.

I'm still here

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."
~ D. H. Lawrence

That was a horrible last entry. I was in horrible shape when I was writing that. These are the ups and downs I deal with daily. So frustrating.

Sorry if I worried anyone. Seriously, I felt bleak and that's how I came across and it's scary when I feel that way. And you know? Nothing set me off that I can think of. It just happened.

I took a bunch more Klonopin to calm down enough to stop crying, but now, I must get some sleep for I haven't slept in over 24 hours.

This may be the last thing I ever do

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."
~ Gore Vidal

Please someone help me, I'm not going to make it. I can't breathe through the tears. I have will have no more tears to cry. Someone save me. Please... I do not see a light. I do not see a future. I feel nothing but pain everyday and I can't take it anym9ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Every man has his breaking point

"Get busy living or get busy dying."
~ Red, The Shawshank Redemption

I'm having a rough time. All this free time allows for too much thinking. Too much time to regret. Too much time to focus on the past that I can't do anything to change. Why do I find it so hard to move forward. Like, there are people, who, when they lose their job, are right back out their the next day looking for a new one. Me, I sit and stew, and I rationalize to myself that I'm just 'relaxing' or taking time off. I'm still unemployed, but not unemployable, which is the only thing I have going for me. But, still, my head is not straight. I'm still depressed, I can't focus and make decisions regarding the course my life must take, and I keep thinking about... you know - ending it.

I feel so empty and lost and I don't know how to move on and just shake this shit off. I need like, a life coach or something. I feel like I have no friends, which is totally irrational because I hear from at least of couple of them everyday. But there's this part of me that feels that they could end at any moment. And I think that relates to my BPD. I feel this hole and complete emptiness inside, yet I have many people that love and care about me. So, what gives?

I have no idea where to go from here. Do I learn another trade? I've been interested in going into Audio Engineering and there's this course I want to take that's about 6 months and pretty intensive. I mean, it looks like I would be into doing this, so this should be a no brainer right? Sure, I have the time now, it's really convenient to Penn Station, hours aren't terrible, etc. So why can't I say "OK! I'll do it!" I DON'T KNOW.

Yes, I do know. It's about fear. It's about talking myself out of something that I know nothing about to begin with. My mom said, 'Just take a chance. What do you have to lose?' I don't want to fail. I don't want get through half the course and quit because it's too much to deal with or I don't like it. But, on the other hand, I could really be good at it, love going to school everyday and look forward to finding a job doing something I actually like doing. There's a kick in the ass.

I wonder which part of me will win this battle.