To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing

"Never think someone will be there forever...forever is a long time and time has a way of changing things."
~ Author unknown

So, on Monday I had my first group session as part of this new therapy I'm receiving (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT for short). I was skeptical going in because I've had many negative experiences in group settings. But, I was instantly comfortable and felt welcomed and embraced by the group right away. I guess it was because we were all there for a common purpose, and because we we all 'Borderlines,' which is a label we all hate because that is not all who we are. We are not our disorders. We just happen to have very intense emotions that are sometimes difficult to control, which is why we are there - to learn how to regulate our emotions.

Since this was my first time with the group, I didn't expect myself to really share much apart from only my first name. But, surprisingly, I shared quite a bit which is unusual for me, but like I said, I felt comfortable and maybe that lowered my anxiety level so much so that I could speak about my emotions to a group of strangers. The others seemed to know each other for quite some time, but I didn't feel alienated, nor did I feel discouraged to speak. I was one of only two males in the group, which is not a problem for me, but I wonder if it would be a problem for the rest in terms of what and how much they share about themselves. But, the whole point of the group really is to learn how to change and regulate your emotions and the actions that follow those emotions. It's not really a setting for delving into your deepest, darkest secrets. That's what the individual therapy is for.

Speaking of that, I had my first individual session Wednesday afternoon. My therapist seems to be really on point and I get a good vibe from him. What we tried to do today is narrow down what it is I would like to work on - set goals if you will - in these sessions. I guess my number one issue is my tendency to engage in chaotic relationships with women. Or, if they start off nice and smoothly, they usually end in chaos, usually caused by me. It's a definite pattern I've spoken about here. I tend to enter into relationships with women who have some kind of mental health issues themselves, and who tend to have some disruption in their home life, particularly the lack of a father figure. Maybe there are signals I am putting out there, or maybe I myself are attracted to these types of women because maybe I feel I can somwhow 'rescue' them or make their lives better. Who knows? There are probably a lot of factor that are in play.

But, so far so good. I feel good about this. I really do. I'm glad I didn't over-think my way out of this, like I would usually do. I jumped in with little room for reservation and doubt to wedge their way in, filling me with fear, and perhaps maybe stopping me from doing this.

Things are changing already.

On your mark, get set...

Tonight is my first group session that utilizes Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Nervous, excited. I was told by the group leader that I would be the only male in the class. I don't know how I feel about that, but only time will tell if it's either detrimental, helpful, or has no effect whatsoever.

You come and go in phases

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life."
~ Author unknown

I start a new phase in my therapy on Monday - DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I'm nervous and kind of excited at the same time. From the intake interview I had on Monday, I could tell this treatment is a lot different from regular "talk" therapy. There's a group session every week, which is more like a class, where we'll learn how to regulate our emotions, react in certain situations, and basically un-learn all destructive learned behaviors accrued throughout our lifetime. This takes a long time. They want you to commit to the program for at least a year. They say it takes 2 'cycles' to really grasp the principles they teach and apply them to your everyday life. Each cycle is 6 months long. I was sort of hesitant to commit to something for that long, especially since I didn't even know what the program was all about, and if it was even a good fit for me. Well, I spent 4 hours talking to two of the therapists there during the intitial evaluation, and afterwards, they both remarked that I would be a perfect fit for the program. Of course, the cynic in me think they'll take anyone - just for the money - but, after describing to me what exactly I'll be learning in the program, I agreed that this would be a good route for me to take. It's different from anything I've ever done, and I'll be learning new things about myself, and most importantly, I'll be changing the way I think about almost everything, which, hopefully, will radiate out into every situation I encounter in life.

As anyone who knows me would tell you, I generally tend to be a negative person. I don't doubt that this negativity directly affects everything in my life - from relationships to employment to self-esteem. I have to change the inside before I can reap the fruits of positive thinking on the outside. They say that everything in your life - from choice of friends, where you live, how you live, where you work, how you look, etc. - is a direct reflection of the thought patterns in your brain.

We'll see how it goes. I start Monday with my first group session. Details to follow...

Life is not a rehearsal

"I did not direct my life. I didn't design it. I never made decisions. Things always came up and made them for me. That's what life is."
~ B.F. Skinner

So the class I signed up for (Electronic Music Production) has been cancelled. I would assume it's because of lack of enrollment. Times are tough and people are holding on to their money. But all in all, I was really disappointed. I was all mentally prepared to do this thing and follow it through to the end. There are other schools in the NY area, but none of them really had the courses that this particular school was offering. I was mad though. It was more like an adolescence- type of anger that shouted 'fuck the world!'

My feelings about it were more like, 'Why can't things just go smoothly for once? Why does everything have to be a struggle?' Yeah, it was a little whiney I'll admit, but deep down, it's true. I have terrible decision-making skills to begin with, but the few times I do make a decision and stick with it, it almost always gets taken away from me, or circumstances change in a way that ends up disappointing me. Bottom line is, I always feel a sense of disappointment in anything I do. I am my own worst critic. When you decide on important matters in your life and they constantly change or disappear altogether, that just adds another layer of doubt and disappointment in your decision-making process. Then ultimately what you end up with is someone who has absolutely nothing to look forward to because he always expects the worst, but hopes even less.

I had an appointment with my shrink yesterday and I told him that my life has been one big question for which my answer has always been 'I don't know.' I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

We only get one shot at this life, but I keep shooting myself in the foot.

Oh, and by the way...

"We cannot change what we do not acknowledge."
~ Dr. Phil

May has been officially designated by Congress as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."
~ Author unknown

Feeling OK today. Another Friday leading into another weekend that don't seem like weekends anymore. They're just like the rest of the days of the week, except I get to see my friends on these days.

So, I took another step forward this week. I signed up for an evaluation at a local clinic that practices Dialectical & Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT), which is supposed to work especially well with people afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. The doctor I spoke to on the phone to get information about what exactly it is they do there sounded nice. He informed me that they work very intensly on crisis management, changing an emotion that isn't working for you, interpersonal effectiveness and mindfulness of others. He said it is based on Buddhist philosophy, not religion.

So, I liked what I heard, and made an appointment for an intitial evaluation for next Monday. It's 4 hours long, and a large chunk of change, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything. Obviously, something I'm doing - or not doing - isn't working for me and I need to step it up a notch and try something different.

I'm nervous. I don't know what to expect. But all I know is, this won't kill me. And if after a month or so I feel as if it isn't the right thing for me, I don't have to go anymore. I'm not locked into it. But, I will give it a shot. The only thing I'm leary about is that they have a 2 1/2 hour group session every week. I hate group. Sometimes people can say the most caustic things in there directed at you or others. But, I guess that's to be expected when dealing with people with personality disorders. The one upside of group is seeing that you are not alone, that others are just as puzzled as you are about how to handle this life we've been given.

Anyway, time to begin the weekend. No plans. As usual.