Ending is better than mending

"Friendship is like a glass ornament, once it is broken, it can rarely be put back together exactly the same way."
~ Author unknown

I'm learning a very hard lesson about being too nice and too giving to people who claim to be your friend. Inevitably, it will come back to bite you in the ass when it comes time to ask something of them - that is when you will learn the true nature and depth of your friendship.

It is then, also, that you'll decide if this is the kind of friendship you need or want in your life. Sometimes you'll think to yourself, 'Have I outgrown this person?' You may not think so, but it does happen. And as sad as that seems, you will outgrow people throughout your life - not necessarily stop caring about - and sometimes it is better to just let the friendship die a quiet death instead of pouring all your energy and good nature into keeping it alive, and perhaps turning toxic a friendship that was at one time true.

Oh, and I stubbed my toe in the middle of the night last night and now it is pulsating with pain, purple and numb. I think it might be broken.

In fact, I think a lot of things are broken.

What if there are no coincidences?

"I froze before the keyboard. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. No poems, no prose, no words. The pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into your system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within."
~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

A couple of weeks ago, right as I was gazing deep into the abyss, contemplating taking my own life, I received an email. Not just any old email. It was from an old friend of mine who, back when I was playing in my band, really liked our music, and specifically my guitar playing. So this friend now lives upstate and creates art - drawings, painting, sculptures, etc. - and I would imagine he's pretty good by now because he gets his work displayed in local shows up there quite frequently. To be honest, I haven't seen anything he's done in over 10 years it seems. But, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, he told me he's working on a new piece for a show coming up in May, and wants me to compose some music to accompany it. He wants to call it An Approximation Of Light. To explain why he chose this title for the piece, I'll quote from his email describing his impressions of my music and how he thinks it would make a great accompaniment to his art.

I am thinking about including a music/noise piece as part of the show and I have a specific idea with you in mind. I have always thought that you're playing evokes light - beams of light, bursts of light, light dispersing into the atmosphere - any way - I was hoping on talking you into composing some music titled: an approximation of light. I am making something based on that title - it's very simple.

I sat there, stunned. Not so much because of the subject of the email, but the timing. I mean, I was right there. I was so close to making the decision, the final solution to all of my problems. But then, this simple little message reaches out to me and all at once tells me I'm talented, I'm needed, and I'm wanted to collaborate with someone on their artwork. That, to me, is an honor just be asked to do so. But, I wrote him back, and said 'Yes' I would definitely be interested and started to immediately whip around some ideas in my head. That was a couple of weeks ago. I thought maybe this is what I needed to lifts the clouds a little, to get my creative juices flowing again, to be important to someone again. But, like I said, that was a couple of weeks ago. What about right now?

I feel absolutely overwhelmed. I feel that what I'm doing isn't good enough. I'm not even working on it as much as I should because I already feel like I failed. I would pick up my guitar for about five minutes and get so frustrated because nothing worth recording was coming to me. Then I wouldn't even touch it for a couple of days. And this cycle repeats itself. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How is this supposed to sound? I don't want to fail, but I feel as if I have already. But, then I wondered - am I too numbed down with meds that I can't let my real self - the conflicted and lonely and pessimisticly dark self who sees beauty in nothing and pain in everything? Then I start to think, should I just tell him I can't do this? Should I take the easy way out and just say, maybe next time? I have a feeling if I do that, not only will I regret it, I will really disappoint my friend who is really counting on me being a part of his vision. I do not want to fuck that up for him. Then I think, what if I stopped my meds for just a month so I can complete this? Then I think how stupid and dangerous and life-threatening that would be. So, that's not an option.

I usually don't believe in 'divine intervention' - although I do believe that everything happens for a reason - but the timing of this email is so unbelievably cosmic, it shook me to my very core.

What I need is a muse. Someone who inspires me to be my best, someone who believes in me. I know who I need, and she knows who she is. I will present my dilemma to her and hope for the best.

Please tell me you believe in me, that I can do this and that it could be great. Tell me things I need to hear. Above all, tell me you love me. I need your love to shine on me, to carry me out of this dark, crippling place.

Dear De...

It's been a while since we last spoke

"Suicide is the remedy of pain."
~ Matt Hartman

I haven't written in a while as you can see. It's not for a lack of things going on I can tell you that much. I guess you could say that since February (my last entry) things in my life haven't been much better. In fact, I would say they probably got worse.

I've been grapling with the thought of checking into a hospital. Yes, I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide and I've also had thoughts about hurting others, but it's not so much where I think I would act on those impulses. I just want to be in a different place. I want to be in a different body. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

My pyschiatrist finally brought up the 'E' word. I guess he feels that we're running out of options on meds. Oh, for the unitiated, the "E" word is electro-shock therapy. When he said that, I asked myself, 'How did it come to this? What the hell is wrong with me?' At that moment, I wanted to die. My choices at that moment were few, and none of them were more appealing than death.

I said to him in desperation, 'Please just make the thoughts go away. Numb me. Turn me into a zombie, I don't care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.' He looked at me with genuine concern. He said in such a low voice, almost a whisper, 'OK, Joe. OK. I'm going to put you on Seroquel. Start at 100mg, the titrate up to 200, 300, then 400mg a day... until you feel better, but also functional.'

We're still tinkering with meds. I'm back on Wellbutrin, added the Seroquel as I said, I'm off Cymbalta which was worthless.

Current meds:
60mg Adderall XR (ADD)
300mg Wellbutrin SR (Depression)
300mg Seroquel (Depressive episodes of Bipolar Disorder)
3mg Klonopin (Anxiety)
10mg Ambien (Insomnia)

The Wellbutrin SR he has me on is the generic Budeprion, which is fairly well-known to be a garbage generic, yet it's still on the market. And also, I discovered that Seroquel also has an extended release formulation, which is great because then I could just take all my meds at one time. So I'm going to ask the doctor for the brand-name Wellbutrin XL @ 300mg & Seroquel XR @ 300mg. I still have dark episodes from time to time, but they don't last as long and my thoughts aren't always about death.

I guess that somewhat brings you up to date. There were many individual things going on as well, but I'm sure they'll see their way into this blog sooner or later...