It's been a while since we last spoke

"Suicide is the remedy of pain."
~ Matt Hartman

I haven't written in a while as you can see. It's not for a lack of things going on I can tell you that much. I guess you could say that since February (my last entry) things in my life haven't been much better. In fact, I would say they probably got worse.

I've been grapling with the thought of checking into a hospital. Yes, I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide and I've also had thoughts about hurting others, but it's not so much where I think I would act on those impulses. I just want to be in a different place. I want to be in a different body. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

My pyschiatrist finally brought up the 'E' word. I guess he feels that we're running out of options on meds. Oh, for the unitiated, the "E" word is electro-shock therapy. When he said that, I asked myself, 'How did it come to this? What the hell is wrong with me?' At that moment, I wanted to die. My choices at that moment were few, and none of them were more appealing than death.

I said to him in desperation, 'Please just make the thoughts go away. Numb me. Turn me into a zombie, I don't care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.' He looked at me with genuine concern. He said in such a low voice, almost a whisper, 'OK, Joe. OK. I'm going to put you on Seroquel. Start at 100mg, the titrate up to 200, 300, then 400mg a day... until you feel better, but also functional.'

We're still tinkering with meds. I'm back on Wellbutrin, added the Seroquel as I said, I'm off Cymbalta which was worthless.

Current meds:
60mg Adderall XR (ADD)
300mg Wellbutrin SR (Depression)
300mg Seroquel (Depressive episodes of Bipolar Disorder)
3mg Klonopin (Anxiety)
10mg Ambien (Insomnia)

The Wellbutrin SR he has me on is the generic Budeprion, which is fairly well-known to be a garbage generic, yet it's still on the market. And also, I discovered that Seroquel also has an extended release formulation, which is great because then I could just take all my meds at one time. So I'm going to ask the doctor for the brand-name Wellbutrin XL @ 300mg & Seroquel XR @ 300mg. I still have dark episodes from time to time, but they don't last as long and my thoughts aren't always about death.

I guess that somewhat brings you up to date. There were many individual things going on as well, but I'm sure they'll see their way into this blog sooner or later...