kick these blues: Ending is better than mending

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ending is better than mending

"Friendship is like a glass ornament, once it is broken, it can rarely be put back together exactly the same way."
~ Author unknown

I'm learning a very hard lesson about being too nice and too giving to people who claim to be your friend. Inevitably, it will come back to bite you in the ass when it comes time to ask something of them - that is when you will learn the true nature and depth of your friendship.

It is then, also, that you'll decide if this is the kind of friendship you need or want in your life. Sometimes you'll think to yourself, 'Have I outgrown this person?' You may not think so, but it does happen. And as sad as that seems, you will outgrow people throughout your life - not necessarily stop caring about - and sometimes it is better to just let the friendship die a quiet death instead of pouring all your energy and good nature into keeping it alive, and perhaps turning toxic a friendship that was at one time true.

Oh, and I stubbed my toe in the middle of the night last night and now it is pulsating with pain, purple and numb. I think it might be broken.

In fact, I think a lot of things are broken.

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My name is Joseph and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder almost two years ago. Since that time, I have become more self-aware of the rollercoaster of emotions and resulting self-destructive actions my life has become. Multiple medications and conventional 'talk' therapy has not worked to relieve the symptoms that have so plagued and disrupted my life to such an extent that I have almost become obsessed with learning all I can about BPD. It is almost sad to say, but I have become my diagnosis.

Before I was diagnosed with BPD, I had thought for many years - from the age of 13 - that I had major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. But, only in the last few years have I noticed a pattern in my behaviors and how they affected my relationships, friendships, job performance - basically, every aspect of my life. I had severe mood swings, anger, self-destructive behaviors, feelings of emptiness and a constant fear that everyone in my life would just abandon me at the drop of a hat. All of these 'symptoms' couldn't have just been the result of depression, I thought. Something else was going on here. Then it was brought to my attention by two very good friends of mine that I might either be Bipolar or have Borderline Personality Disorder. I knew a little about what Bipolar Disorder was, even knew a couple of people who had it, but I did some more research anyway. I did have some of the symptoms, but not enough to warrant a diagnosis from both my therapist and psychiatrist.

So, I started looking into BPD. And a light bulb went on in my head and I said, 'This is it. This is me. This is what I have.' So, I brought in some printed materials to both my therapists plus, I wrote a detailed history of my life showing the patterns that emerged to fit perfectly with the symptoms of BPD. Though I wasn't thrilled that I had to basically diagnose myself after all these years - that no doctors ever thought to bring this to my attention, but only accepting that I was depressed was disheartening - I was satisfied to finally know that what I suffered from had a name. And now that both of my therapists were on board with the diagnosis, we could finally get down to the business of trying to treat it, which in and of itself is a mighty task. There is no one medication that relieves all the symptoms, but you can treat the individual symptoms to lift the clouds and begin to 'unlearn' all these behaviors that have developed as a defense mechanism - basically, since I was a child. And the only way to really do this is with something called Dialectical Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy, or better known as DBT for short.

I knew about this treatment for quite some time, but put it off for reasons of fear that it wouldn't work. Or, did I actually fear that it would work? That's what I grappled with for a long time. It's hard to change. It takes a long time, an did I want to put in the time and effort to something I wasn't sure was going to work or not? It sounds odd to say this, and since this had caused nothing but chaos in my life, but I felt 'comfortable' where I was. I knew who I was, and people knew what to expect from me. I had to make a choice to either stay as I was and live out the rest of my life feeling empty and lost, leaving a debris field of broken relationships along the way, or take the plunge into this new treatment and maybe feel 'uncomfortable,' but at the same time, improve myself so I can feel more fulfilled and live out a life that is worth living.

I chose the latter. I'm only a week in, but I already feel somewhat fulfilled that I'm working towards something that could finally lift the curtain on someone who is screaming in the darkness, and to shine a light on the true me. I'll learn a lot about myself along the way - some of it may not be pretty - but I suppose that is the byproduct of change.

It's now or never, and I'm ready...