Every man has his breaking point

"Get busy living or get busy dying."
~ Red, The Shawshank Redemption

I'm having a rough time. All this free time allows for too much thinking. Too much time to regret. Too much time to focus on the past that I can't do anything to change. Why do I find it so hard to move forward. Like, there are people, who, when they lose their job, are right back out their the next day looking for a new one. Me, I sit and stew, and I rationalize to myself that I'm just 'relaxing' or taking time off. I'm still unemployed, but not unemployable, which is the only thing I have going for me. But, still, my head is not straight. I'm still depressed, I can't focus and make decisions regarding the course my life must take, and I keep thinking about... you know - ending it.

I feel so empty and lost and I don't know how to move on and just shake this shit off. I need like, a life coach or something. I feel like I have no friends, which is totally irrational because I hear from at least of couple of them everyday. But there's this part of me that feels that they could end at any moment. And I think that relates to my BPD. I feel this hole and complete emptiness inside, yet I have many people that love and care about me. So, what gives?

I have no idea where to go from here. Do I learn another trade? I've been interested in going into Audio Engineering and there's this course I want to take that's about 6 months and pretty intensive. I mean, it looks like I would be into doing this, so this should be a no brainer right? Sure, I have the time now, it's really convenient to Penn Station, hours aren't terrible, etc. So why can't I say "OK! I'll do it!" I DON'T KNOW.

Yes, I do know. It's about fear. It's about talking myself out of something that I know nothing about to begin with. My mom said, 'Just take a chance. What do you have to lose?' I don't want to fail. I don't want get through half the course and quit because it's too much to deal with or I don't like it. But, on the other hand, I could really be good at it, love going to school everyday and look forward to finding a job doing something I actually like doing. There's a kick in the ass.

I wonder which part of me will win this battle.