kick these blues: Life is not a rehearsal

Friday, May 8, 2009

Life is not a rehearsal

"I did not direct my life. I didn't design it. I never made decisions. Things always came up and made them for me. That's what life is."
~ B.F. Skinner

So the class I signed up for (Electronic Music Production) has been cancelled. I would assume it's because of lack of enrollment. Times are tough and people are holding on to their money. But all in all, I was really disappointed. I was all mentally prepared to do this thing and follow it through to the end. There are other schools in the NY area, but none of them really had the courses that this particular school was offering. I was mad though. It was more like an adolescence- type of anger that shouted 'fuck the world!'

My feelings about it were more like, 'Why can't things just go smoothly for once? Why does everything have to be a struggle?' Yeah, it was a little whiney I'll admit, but deep down, it's true. I have terrible decision-making skills to begin with, but the few times I do make a decision and stick with it, it almost always gets taken away from me, or circumstances change in a way that ends up disappointing me. Bottom line is, I always feel a sense of disappointment in anything I do. I am my own worst critic. When you decide on important matters in your life and they constantly change or disappear altogether, that just adds another layer of doubt and disappointment in your decision-making process. Then ultimately what you end up with is someone who has absolutely nothing to look forward to because he always expects the worst, but hopes even less.

I had an appointment with my shrink yesterday and I told him that my life has been one big question for which my answer has always been 'I don't know.' I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

We only get one shot at this life, but I keep shooting myself in the foot.

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My name is Joseph and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder almost two years ago. Since that time, I have become more self-aware of the rollercoaster of emotions and resulting self-destructive actions my life has become. Multiple medications and conventional 'talk' therapy has not worked to relieve the symptoms that have so plagued and disrupted my life to such an extent that I have almost become obsessed with learning all I can about BPD. It is almost sad to say, but I have become my diagnosis.

Before I was diagnosed with BPD, I had thought for many years - from the age of 13 - that I had major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. But, only in the last few years have I noticed a pattern in my behaviors and how they affected my relationships, friendships, job performance - basically, every aspect of my life. I had severe mood swings, anger, self-destructive behaviors, feelings of emptiness and a constant fear that everyone in my life would just abandon me at the drop of a hat. All of these 'symptoms' couldn't have just been the result of depression, I thought. Something else was going on here. Then it was brought to my attention by two very good friends of mine that I might either be Bipolar or have Borderline Personality Disorder. I knew a little about what Bipolar Disorder was, even knew a couple of people who had it, but I did some more research anyway. I did have some of the symptoms, but not enough to warrant a diagnosis from both my therapist and psychiatrist.

So, I started looking into BPD. And a light bulb went on in my head and I said, 'This is it. This is me. This is what I have.' So, I brought in some printed materials to both my therapists plus, I wrote a detailed history of my life showing the patterns that emerged to fit perfectly with the symptoms of BPD. Though I wasn't thrilled that I had to basically diagnose myself after all these years - that no doctors ever thought to bring this to my attention, but only accepting that I was depressed was disheartening - I was satisfied to finally know that what I suffered from had a name. And now that both of my therapists were on board with the diagnosis, we could finally get down to the business of trying to treat it, which in and of itself is a mighty task. There is no one medication that relieves all the symptoms, but you can treat the individual symptoms to lift the clouds and begin to 'unlearn' all these behaviors that have developed as a defense mechanism - basically, since I was a child. And the only way to really do this is with something called Dialectical Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy, or better known as DBT for short.

I knew about this treatment for quite some time, but put it off for reasons of fear that it wouldn't work. Or, did I actually fear that it would work? That's what I grappled with for a long time. It's hard to change. It takes a long time, an did I want to put in the time and effort to something I wasn't sure was going to work or not? It sounds odd to say this, and since this had caused nothing but chaos in my life, but I felt 'comfortable' where I was. I knew who I was, and people knew what to expect from me. I had to make a choice to either stay as I was and live out the rest of my life feeling empty and lost, leaving a debris field of broken relationships along the way, or take the plunge into this new treatment and maybe feel 'uncomfortable,' but at the same time, improve myself so I can feel more fulfilled and live out a life that is worth living.

I chose the latter. I'm only a week in, but I already feel somewhat fulfilled that I'm working towards something that could finally lift the curtain on someone who is screaming in the darkness, and to shine a light on the true me. I'll learn a lot about myself along the way - some of it may not be pretty - but I suppose that is the byproduct of change.

It's now or never, and I'm ready...