It's so hard to fight when you're losing

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
~ Author unknown

I won't lie. I'm struggling. Not a day goes by when I don't cry at least once. I just want to be numb. You know, I've heard the term 'rock bottom' thrown around, usually associated with addicts and alcoholics, but I never knew what my rock bottom would be. I don't think you'll ever know, until you actually hit it. I, Joseph Roth from New York, age 36, unemployed and struggling with an almost debilitating disorder - Borderline Personality - have finally hit rock bottom. Until I actually said those words out loud in therapy today, I never truly believed it could happen. But it has, and it started the other night, when I sat down at this very computer and began to compose an email to some of my closest friends.

I was ready to finally say goodbye.

It was hard to type throughthe tears, but I was hurting so much at that moment, that I thought this was the only way to end this pain. Next to me were two bottles of pills while I was writing. I kept glancing over at them, wondering when I should start eating them - now, or wait until I was finished with the email, because if I had taken them as I was writing, chances are I'd be gone by the time the email reached my friends. It was enticing, it was scary, but, I won that battle.

I don't know what happened, but suddenly this calm just washed over me. I actually started to think of all the people I would hurt if I was gone. I mean, here I am, writing an email recalling all the people I've hurt in my life and how it haunted me everyday, telling my friends I was going to end my own life. How much fucking hurt would that've done? That's the kind of hurt that doesn't heal. Some people never recover from losing a loved one to suicide. As this calm settled in, I thought of one friend in particular (who I won't reveal here) who said to me once, 'If you died, it would really fuck me up.' I couldn't do that to her. That is not the legacy I want to leave. I don't want to ruin lives. I don't want to die.

I changed the goodbye letter to a 'help me' letter - I opened myself up, let all my vulnerabilities and pain pour out all over the screen. I needed more help than I was getting and my only other option, other than death, was reaching out to my friends.

The responses I received were nothing short of overwhelming, and at times, stunning. They really do care about me. I'm not that guy who sits in the background, the quiet one who goes unnoticed - so quiet, he makes those around him uncomfortable. That's may how I see myself, but they don't. And that's what I needed to hear. I am loved. I am wanted. I am even, as one friend put it, missed. They miss the Joe who laughs and who is funny.

You know, I miss him, too. And I think he's going to stick around and just wait out this storm he got himself caught up in. Why am I speaking in the 3rd person? Anyway, today is DAY 1. It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be quick, but I'm going to fight this 'disease' or 'disorder' - whatever you want to call it - but the fight starts here, right now, and without excuses or blame to throw around.

For now, I'll just say this: I have hit rock bottom. This disorder came one email and two bottles of pills short of turning me into another statistic. It's a small victory, but here and now, in this moment, I feel - free.