"And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."
~ Roger Waters, Outside The Wall (Pink Floyd: The Wall)
Again, it's been a while. Not much has changed. At least in terms of how I feel on a day to day basis. When I last posted, I made an emergency visit to both my psychologist and psychiatrist. I was near a breaking point, and honestly, I didn't know which way I go. What path would I choose? Life, or death? It seems so easy for me to put it in terms so simply as that. One way, or the other. But, those words are the most opposite ends of the spectrum as you can get. But, with me, it's like I make it a decision I have to face everyday. Most 'normal' people make decisions like whether or not they should go to work that day, do their homework for school, make dinner or eat a frozen piece of crap meal, etc. Small things. Everyday things. The decision I face daily - the question I ask myself everyday is - do I want to live, or do I want to die today?
Admittedly, that is grounds for hospitalization. Immediately. It's scary to feel like that everyday, it really is. But, it's almost like I have no choice whether to feel that way. One could say, 'Oh Joe, everyone has a choice in how they feel everyday.' This is true. I do have a conscious choice to wake up everyday and feel however I want to feel. But this goes beyond that. It's a voice. It's that devil on my shoulder. It's the loneliness and longing and regret and the wanting to punish myself for the mistakes I've made in my life. That's the central idea here: I cannot escape thinking about my past, and that leads me to to regret, which leads to anger and sadness, which leads to 'live or die?' I don't think any amount of medication will make that go away. Nothing short of digging through my brain and extricating one bad memory after another. Do I have suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well? I don't know. But what I do know is that my behaviors and thought patterns that I described are some classic symptoms of PTSD. I have flashbacks. I'm scared of almost anything resembling a closeness or intimacy with another human being. I don't mean intimacy in a sexual or physical way. I mean emotionally.
I'm starting to figure out what upsets me so much, especially at night. I miss intimacy. Terribly. With a woman. I also miss the physical touch and that feeling of being wanted by a woman. It's not about sex. It's the touching, talking, depending on someone, them depending on me, someone saying they love me just the way I am and every other conceivable association dealing with intimacy. My friend asked me recently, 'Do you have a fear of intimacy?' I was kind of taken aback by the question, but thinking about it, I answered in the negative. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I think the thing I fear the most is not the intimacy and the emotional lovemaking that lovers do - it's the fear of losing it.
I don't think I'm alone in that, but that fear is a wrecking ball to all my relationships. I have no one to blame for that but myself. But what I have to start doing is stop beating myself up everyday, especially for things that have happened in the past. It's funny - yet sad at the same time - but, I almost beat myself up for things I might do in the future. I am a living, breathing bloodied bruise, and that is what is killing me.
One positive out of all this is that I recognize this behavior, and I understand the impact it has had on my life, and I know what I must do to sort of 'wean' myself off this destructive behavior. It's hard. It's terribly hard. I have to basically unlearn every mechanism of this behavior that I've probably been developing since childhood. I guess what I'm saying is, it's time to step up the therapy because honestly, I'm not getting all the help I need. Through no fault of their own, I just feel my therapist is not equipped to deal with such complex behaviors that I've exhibited throughout my life. I need to change my way of thinking. That is key. And talk therapy just isn't enough for me to do that. Don't get me wrong, I love going every week to talk. I need that. I wish I could do it more if I could afford it. But I need more guidance, more tools to equip me to better handle situations where my behaviors have betrayed and sabotage me.
On Monday, I am going to call a clinic that specializes in what's called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), and it is designed almost specifically for people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Medication will only get me so far. Talking will only get me so far. And at this moment, I feel as if I've hit a wall. I've hit rock bottom, but now I'm at a wall.
It's a wall with no light shining through and with no end. If I'm going to make it, I have to break through - brick by brick...
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